Even though i did not go to church today, God remained faithful and kept me close to Him. Incredibly, each time I talk about God, about going back to Him, I feel a sense of inexplicable peace. Like I was no longer afraid that I would lose anything in this life. All these clothes, things, people that I hold on to so dearly. Suddenly everything else seems so meaningless. A chasing after the wind. It is this realization that God is not a psychological delusion, He is REAL and has always been here and near.

Lord, I come before Your throne of grace
I find rest in Your presence,
And fullness of Joy
In worship and wonder,
I behold Your face
Singing what a faithful God have I

What a faithful God have I
What a faithful God
What a faithful God have I
Faithful in every way

Lord of mercy, You have heard my cry
Through the storm You’re the beacon
My song in the night
In the shelter of Your wings
Hear my heart’s reply,
Singing what a faithful God have I

Lord, all sovereign
Granting peace from heaven
Let me comfort those who suffer
With the comfort You have given
I will tell of Your great love
For as long as I live
Singing what a faithful God have I

i prayed to God again tonight. and so miraculously, from a state of panic i became CALM. I feel so at peace now and I want to remember this feeling forever, I can hear God speaking to me so clearly at this moment. so overwhelmed by His love and His faithfulness to me. I know I have never been one to speak about God in this way, but I can feel something genuinely changing in me. Something that makes me look at God so differently. I don't want to be cynical anymore, don't want to live by worldly wisdom anymore. I want to take up the cross and follow Christ. And I want to be serious about this.
nothing else matters anymore. it doesn't matter if I lose all of these. if I follow Him, I will never live in uncertainty anymore, and i will certainly always always be loved.

Dear God,
Today will be the first day that I come back to you. I don't know how I managed to stray away from you for so long. But I am convinced, You and only You can bring me real joy and peace in my heart. I don't know how I am convinced to take this leap of faith again. Perhaps it is because everything else around me has failed me in some way to bring happiness in my life.
Reading C9 tonight. "The smile of God is the goal of your life". The Bible says, " Figure out what will please Christ, and then do it." Being in the faith for most of my life, I guess I do have a sense of what that is. However, when it comes to the crossroads of making choices, I often trust my own instincts or worldly wisdom, instead of seeking Him. I thought I could depend on the ways of this world, but it has only brought me emptiness and a sense that I can never be fully fulfilled. Then I remembered I once felt a different type of fulfillment, a different kind of joy. One that could not be robbed from me, but I chose to let it go. I am afraid that if I do love Him wholeheartedly, trust him completely, he will take away things in my heart that I have been holding on for too long. I am afraid of a spiritual transformation that will turn my world around. But consider- to live is Christ and to die is Gain. There is nothing in this life that I cannot lose, because everything was given by Him from the beginning.
There is so much I have in this life, so much I have to be thankful for.
How can I go back to you Lord? Please show me the way.
Help me to stay close to you, let this not be a temporary commitment, but rather something that will transform me completely. I pray that the people whom I love (Y&J) will walk and support me through this journey as well.
Help me be more Christlike day by day, to reflect the fruits of the spirit-patience, kindness, love in every part of my life. That every one in my life will be able to see that my joy, my love stems only from you, God.

AMEN.

"That life is complex I believe in general but it doesn’t mean it can’t be simple in the end. If all the different strings sum up to just one trace that you love each other, to the point that the complex background sums up to the result of simplicity, that truly would be desirable. I wish and believe so too that our Love can be so simple."

do you remember you once said this to me?

and i wonder, how did something so beautiful turn out to be so messed up?

In a sudden surge of sentimentality, i felt a rush to journal about how the past year has been. It’s mid January already but I don’t think it’s too late to make sense of mistakes past and life cherished.
I started 2009 with a heart of cynicism, determined to get over a certain someone and to build a life independently. My goal was indeed fulfilled with work commitments that burnt me out. Then I took a leap of faith in entering a relationship in May- something perhaps on retrospect I don’t regret. It was impulsive and stemmed from feelings and insecurities that haunted me from the past. Those few months were perhaps a period of my life I would never forget. I met someone who tore down my walls and made me believe I could be loved in a way I never thought possible. Loved in a way I thought would only happen to someone else, never myself. It was a love that extinguished my cynicism and made me vulnerable to being hurt again.
Being in a foreign land made me so much more appreciative of my home, of my family, of people who are like me in my country. It made me more aware of so much out there that I have not seen and experienced and the irony that people out there know so little about my country. I learnt the importance of communication between two people who love each other but who live so far apart. I realised who were the ones who stood by me through those four months are probably the ones who would be there for me for the rest of my life.
I learnt that it’s okay to be vulnerable and get hurt when you are just trying to be true to yourself. If you love genuinely and whole heartedly, you will always be let down. But love anyway, because you live life to the fullest on your own terms-not because of how others see you or take advantage of you or disappoint you. In this New Year, I’ve abandoned cynicism and defensive pessimism. My prayer for the year is an old and used one- God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

i'm trying so hard to detach my feelings so that i will stop being a burden to you.

It's amazing how I keep looking forward to this, although it happens twice a day, everyday. :)I had a picnic with puffles on my bed today!
We had a party watching gossip girl together :D

And that's because the rain stopped me from having a picnic in the woods.

It was still beautiful anyhow.

I will miss taking in deep breaths of cold fresh air and sipping hot earl grey tea on wintry days.